How To Say No To Others – The Only Guide You’ll Ever Need
Posted: Oct 18, 2010 by Celes
I’ll admit it – I don’t like to say no. Whenever someone has a request, I’ll say yes where I can help it. Part of this is because I don’t like to leave people in the lurch. The other part comes from not wanting to disappoint others. And yet another part of me also feels saying no possibly means burning bridges with others, and I don’t want to jeopardize my relationships with others.
Hence, I say yes where I can, and say no as less often as possible.
Realities of NOT Saying No
While saying yes seems like an easy answer for the reasons above, it’s not necessary the best answer all the time.
Just like saying no has its implications, NOT saying no *has* implications too. Every time we say yes to something, we’re actually saying no to something else. Think about it:
When you say yes to something you don’t enjoy, you’re saying no to things that you love
When you say yes to a job you don’t love, you’re saying no to your dreams
When you say yes to someone you don’t like, you’re saying no to a fulfilling relationship
When you say yes to working overtime, you’re saying no to your social life
When you say yes to Quadrant 3/4 tasks, you’re saying no to your Quadrant 2, high value activities
Many people know me today as a blogger, a coach and a trainer. I run TPEB, which has evolved into a trusted blog with over 11,000 subscribers in the past year. I’m pursuing my passion, to help others grow and be their best self. I leverage on whichever mediums appropriate to help others grow, be it writing books, 1-1 coaching, blogging, training, and in the future, possibly my talk show and more. I really love my life and I’m happiest than I’ve ever been. Each day I experience a new level of joy that I’ve not felt before.
Yet, I did not start out like this in the beginning. The very reason why I’m here today is because I said no to many things along the way, things which did not support my dreams:
startingparted ways with my best friendThe Personal Excellence BookThere are many other things I said no to in my life and that I continue to say no to on a regular basis. If I haven’t said no to all the things above, I’ll never have been able to have time to write these hundreds of articles, coach my 1-1 clients, run my workshops, develop my business, reach out to ten thousands of people around the world, create a top quality blog, have time with my family and friends, cultivate high quality, meaningful and fulfilling relationships, and live the life I love today.
The path of realizing your truest dreams requires you to say a lot of ‘no’s. No’s to Quadrant 3/4 tasks, no’s to unfilfilling jobs, no’s to work you don’t believe in, no’s to outrageous requests, no’s to negative and unhappy people, no’s to draining activities, no’s to meaningless tasks, no’s to many many things. Look at how you’ve been living your life in the past week and think about what you’ve been saying yes to. Have you been saying yes to an unfulfilling job? Yes to unfulfilling relationships? Yes to people who don’t respect your time? Yes to people who don’t appreciate you? Yes to work you don’t enjoy? Yes to activities you dislike? Yes to people who don’t appreciate you? Because if you have, what you’re really doing is saying no to your ideal life. Is that what you want? Are you being fair to yourself?
Respecting Yourself
You know, to me saying no ultimately boils down to respecting yourself. Do you respect yourself? Do you respect your time? Because if you respect yourself, you’ll also respect your time. You’ll be very conscious of how you spend it. You’ll say no to things which aren’t a good match for your interests, because you know you deserve more than that. You’ll say no to things that you don’t enjoy, because you rather spend your time doing things you love. You’ll say no to people who don’t appreciate what you do, because they are just not worth it. You’ll say no to people who take you for granted, because it’s a waste of your time.
Many people say yes to things they don’t like because deep down, they don’t value themselves in the same way. They see others as more important. They see themselves as less important, that their time is dispensable, that they are not valuable. They keep putting themselves out there, sacrificing themselves for others. For the same reason, they don’t value their dreams. They look at their dreams and think “This is just a dream. It’s not worth going for. It’s never going to come true”. Then they just put them aside, and do things they don’t enjoy, day in and out.
If you don’t even respect your goals and dreams, then who is going respect them? If you don’t even think they are important, who is going to think they are? If you don’t say no to things you don’t believe in, then who is going to say no for you? If you don’t say yes to your goals and dreams, then who will help you say yes to them? When are you going to say no for real, so you can finally say yes to your dreams, and most importantly, to yourself?
How To Say No: 10 Steps
It’s an ongoing process to learn to say no, and it can be easy to tough to get started. But as long as you realize the importance of saying no, you’re on your way there. For the remainder of this article, I’ll share 10 steps to say no. Whether you’re saying no to your boss, a friend, a colleague, a family member or a stranger, you’ll find the steps helpful. Remember it’s NOT about not saying no at all, but about learning how to say no. And hopefully with this guide, you’ll now know how you can start saying no in the future. Bookmark it (Ctrl+D or delicious) so you can refer to it again and again in the future.
1. Be clear of your vision
A lot of times we don’t say no because we don’t know what exactly to say no for, other than a nagging feeling that we don’t want to do this. The nagging feeling is a start. It’s a clue that there is something else we’d rather do, a different scenario we’d rather be in. Probe further then. Think about your ideal vision, your dream outcome. What is your long-term vision for yourself, independent of the current situation? If you have your way, how would you want things to be? This is what you truly want.
Many people thought it was a big loss to quit my up-and-going career in a Fortune 100 company back in 2008. But it wasn’t a loss to me at all. To me the real loss would be if I had continued on staying in a job which was not going to lead me to my dreams. I was very clear of my end vision, which was to help others grow and live their best lives, through different mediums such as my blog, training, coaching and others. I knew this is what I want to do for the rest of my life, ever. To continue in my job would prevent my dreams from coming to live. To stay on for another 1, 3, 5 years would only put me in the same position with respect to pursuing my passion 1, 3, 5 years later – at ground zero. I didn’t want this. My purpose and passion was the most important thing to me in my life, and there was nothing I would rather do in my life than that. To spend my time doing something which wasn’t that – there was really no point. This was why it was so easy for me to make the decision, because I knew what was at stake if I continued to say yes to my current job.
Once you know what your vision is, it’ll be extremely easy to say no, because now you have a clear reason to do so. The clearer you are, the easier it will be to say no, because you know you’ll be jeopardizing this vision whenever you say yes to something that doesn’t bring you there.
2. Know the implications of saying yes
We normally say yes to the little requests streaming in because it may seem like a small deal. Just chip in and help if we can – what’s the problem? It doesn’t take much time, maybe just 10-15 minutes, or 20 minutes max. Right?
Yet, these little moments pile up over time to become big clogs. There’s a reason why top executives, despite managing large companies and businesses, can have time for themselves, their families, friends and work all the time, while some people who are always busy day-in and day-out never seem to progress in their life situations. It’s as if the latter group is busy running to stay in the same spot. That’s because the former knows the implications of not saying no. You can keep saying yes to errands, requests, and calls for help, but you’ll never be able to live the life you want. With every small request taking up 15 minutes, a few of such requests a day will easily suck up hours. Think in terms of months and years, and think of all the years you’re letting slip through your hands. Is that how you want your life to be summarized as – the NPC rather than the hero out there living the life he/she wants?
Whenever you get a request, think twice before you say yes or no. What’s going to happen if you say yes to it? What are the long-term implications? What is there to gain? What are you going to lose if you agree? Do you really have to say yes? What limiting beliefs do you have that are making you say yes?
I believe that time is more precious than money, because while you can earn back money, you can never get back time. Once you lose your time, you lose it forever. The moment can’t be recaptured. Because of that, I really value my time – it’s my most precious commodity and I’m very conscious of how I spend it. I only engage in activities that have the most relevance to my needs, and in everything I do and take part in, I’ll give it my all. That’s what it means to live my life to the fullest – to maximize every moment that I’m in.
3. Realize that saying no is okay
Saying no is okay. We keep thinking that it’s not okay, that the other person will feel bad, that we’re being evil, that people will be angry, that we’re being rude, etc. While these stem from good intentions in us, the thing is most of these fears are self-created. If the person is open-minded, he/she will understand when you say no. And if the person doesn’t understand and gets unhappy, I’m not sure if saying yes is a solution to the problem to begin with. After all, you can say yes once, but you can’t possibly say yes for the rest of your life just to appease one person. And how many people can you keep saying yes to before you finally say no? In such a scenario, there’s even more reason to say no so you can let the other party know exactly where you stand once and for all, vs. leading him/her on by saying yes.
There have been past situations where I was worried about saying no, because I was afraid the person would be disappointed, or that he/she would be unhappy, and bridges would be burned. And while it took me time to convey the message, nothing bad happened from saying no. Sure I felt bad in that instant where I said it, and sure the person must have felt disappointed, but it was never as bad as I thought it would be. Many times we continue to be on good terms, if not better, because now the relationship had become stronger from the experience. I also know I can be honest with this person in saying no next time too. And to think that I was worried earlier for so many things which didn’t even come to fruition!
Saying no is okay and it’s part and parcel of life. People say yes and no all the time every day in this world. You’re definitely not the only person saying no to someone else. So don’t worry about it. Being authentic in your communication is more important (see #6).
4. Use the medium you’re most comfortable with
Use the appropriate medium to communicate the message – face-to-face, instant messaging, emailing, SMS, phone call or even others. I don’t think there’s a one best medium because I’ve used different mediums before and it depends on the context and your relationship with the person. Email is great because I can write out the message, then send and not have to worry about it, until I get the reply. Face-to-face has a personal touch to it – I can get the person’s reaction instantly, address any questions and close the issue on the spot. Instant messaging lets you see answers in real time while giving you the chance to craft your messages before sending them out.
Use whatever is best for you. It should be the medium you’re most comfortable with.
5. Be honest with the reason(s) why
Being truthful is one of the best ways to break it to the other person. If this person is important to you, I believe he/she deserves the truth. If you don’t like his/her idea, let him/her know. If you are too busy, then be transparent. If you think the person is being outrageous with the request, then tell him/her, but break it in a gentle way. If it doesn’t meet your needs, then just say so. Whether it’s your boss or your friend, such transparent communication will be crucial to foster a meaningful relationship.
I think the important thing is to be direct and upfront. Don’t beat about the bush and talk about a list of irrelevant things before you finally say no. DO share why you’re saying no and what’s blocking you. DO be open about your truest thoughts and feelings. If possible, work together on how you can come up with a consensus where both parties’ needs can be addressed.
If you like, propose an alternative. If you don’t think you’re the right person for the request, then propose someone whom you think is a better fit. If you’re not free to be engaged at the moment but you’d like to be involved, then propose an alternate timing where you are free. If there’s something you think is an issue, then point it out so you can help him/her improve. Do it if you can and if you want to, but don’t take it upon yourself to do this. I usually do this as an act of good will, but if I can’t help then I don’t. Don’t take responsibility for the person’s request because then you’re just trying to overcompensate for not being able to say yes. Saying no is not a problem nor an issue (see #3).
6. Sincerity and Authenticity
I always believe if you communicate with true sincerity and authenticity, the other party will feel it too. Love is the invisible link between one another. So put any worries aside and focus on being sincere.
Also if you do want to say yes but you couldn’t because of circumstances, let the person know. I’m sure he/she will appreciate it.
7. Make yourself less accessible
One situation I face from running the blog is the volume of emails and requests. Most of the messages are people seeking for help and advice. And while I’d love to address as many of them as possible, it has become a problem when there are more requests than can be humanly addressed. On an average day I’ll have requests coming in from many different places, from Facebook, Twitter, Email, during/after workshops, as well as calls/smses from friends/coachees seeking advice.
I consider this a luxury problem, because it is an honor that people trust me to open their hearts, tell me their problems and ask me for advice, over the other people in their life. At the same time it’s impossible for me to help everyone. When the emails start becoming long outpours of personal life stories, deep issues and cries for help, when phone calls become extended into 2-3 hour pep talk sessions, and when people in question become reliant on me for solutions and answers, it’s apparent that there has to be an intervention, or I’d be just spending my whole life answering requests on 1-1 basis. I’ll never have the time to update TPEB; I’ll never have time to write long, content rich articles; I’ll never have the time to write 30DLBL and more books, conduct workshops, develop my business, earn money for my livelihood, help others, or even have a life.
My solution for this is to limit the channels to reach me. On Twitter I only follow a small group of people (and even then I regularly follow/unfollow different people), so I don’t get DMs there. On Facebook, I don’t check my inbox. I’d love to disable it if there’s such an option, but there isn’t, so I just don’t check it. I receive way too many FB spam messages, events and requests. The channel I direct all enquiries to is the contact form on TPEB, which comes with an FAQ page and simple instructions to follow for everyone who wants to send a message. It’s obvious when someone doesn’t read the instructions (example: they ask something already covered on the FAQ page), so I just ignore these mails.
I still have an open channel to give free advice, which is the Ask Celes section, where I reply to a reader mail once every 1-2 weeks. There are a lot of letters backlogged, but at least it’s a channel where readers can get their questions aired. Where people would like to have 1-1, full-on attention and coaching, they are invited to sign up for the 1-1 coaching sessions, where they can get started in about 1-2 weeks time. My 1-1 clients get the highest priority on my list, since they are paying for the service and they’ve shown real commitment to invest in it. In my workshops I help everyone on a group level, after which I redirect them to my 1-1 coaching and my blog if they want detailed attention and help.
All these measures have helped to reduce incoming requests considerably. There is still a lot of streamlining I can do for my communication channels today because I still get a lot of stray requests here and there, and I’ll continue to experiment moving forward.
I think if you face the situation where too many people keep asking you for help and it’s just overwhelming you, make yourself less accessible. Don’t respond immediately to every single request, because it just sends the message that you’re always around all the time for help, which may not be true. Instead take a longer time to revert (as your schedule permits), be more concise with your replies, and limit your availability. This way, others will value your time more.
8. No reply is also a form of reply
In 11 Tips To Effective Email Management, I mentioned not replying emails in itself is a form of answer. It’s true. Running TPEB, I often get pitches from other businesses or bloggers to review products, services, events, among other things. If I try to reply to every single one of them it takes up quite a bit of time. So most of the times I reply only to those I’m interested to learn more about. As for the rest, I don’t respond, which in itself is the reply (I’ve also wrote about it in the FAQs).
If a particular request isn’t important to you and you’re stretched for time, don’t worry too much about it. Life goes on for everyone. But if the person took some time to write a personal, customized message, it’ll be nice to just send a short note to say no so you don’t leave the person hanging.
9. Write everything down first
This is very helpful for me when I’m at a block on how to say no, usually when it’s a request I feel ambiguous about. Write out everything that’s on your mind, which includes what you really want to say to the person. While you’re doing this, sometimes you may uncover pent up frustrations. That’s good. Keep writing. While you may start out confused on how exactly to say no, the answer will start formulating itself mid-way through your message. Continue typing and it’ll soon be clear on what you actually want, and how to say it. Once you’re done, now review what you wrote and edit it to fit your final message.
10. Keeping it simple
You don’t need to be elaborate every time you say no to someone. Sometimes a simple “No it’s okay”, or “I’m sorry it doesn’t meet my needs at the moment”, or “I have other priorities and I can’t work on this at the moment” work just fine.
Bookmark this guide
Remember, saying no is important and it’s okay. It’s about learning how to say it. This is meant as a one-stop guide to saying no, so bookmark it so you can keep referring in the future. Please also share this resource via Twitter and Facebook (sharing links below) if you have found it useful.
Be sure to check out related articles:
Keep Your End Objective In Mind
Quitting To WinHow To Be The Most Confident Person In The World
11 Simple Tips To Effective Email Management
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